Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
This is a whole mood;
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Batman v Dracula
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.