If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…