Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Now, where’s the sport in that?

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!