If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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