@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

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@jojipaints

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

@timdonakowski

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@kpcuk

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

@jrza206

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@david8hughes

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@noog

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.