Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Cats are still liquid.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo