[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Black Friday “markdowns” like
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.