I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.