Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE鈥橵E EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Men, I鈥檓 going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don鈥檛 make the rules, it鈥檚 a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
so weird how every mom was born today
My what?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
can鈥檛 get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幎EVERYBODY DANCE NOW馃幎
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i鈥檓 super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON鈥橳 WANT IMMEDIATELY
Found my door mat
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how鈥檇 you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.