Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
🙁
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior