For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream