[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.