GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
🙄😏😂🤣
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“I’m helping” 😅
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT