GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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🤣🤣🤣
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae