GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
You Might Also Like
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”