I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
two people or more is called a problem
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.