My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Guys, I found it.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.