me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
my first dose meeting my second
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