me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance