evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.![]()
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
i really liked this one
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Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.