evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Yes, but it was never about money
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating