astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?