I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.