They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
What a website
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality