Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Did my cat write this
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.