Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn鈥檛 a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it鈥檚 partly my fault he didn鈥檛 do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I鈥檓 a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Couples who finish each other鈥檚 sentences have killed before and will kill again.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn鈥檛 tell them…馃ぃ
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that鈥檚 your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail