A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Baking is just science you can eat.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.