DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The cashier just checked me out.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Check your privilege
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.