Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.