The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Noted.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The answer is funnier than the question
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked