The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
is this how new cars are made??
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
This makes total sense…
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.