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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me My dog
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”