Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Always 🥴
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce