Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.