Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Grandmother clock.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man