Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
much to think about
Realize this:
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.