I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.