Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”