Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Worth a try
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Guantanamo Bae
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.