my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Flock of bats
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
you stereotypes are all alike
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.