Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Sunday
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.