me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
he looks great for his age
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Ghost costume 😂
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out