MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’m putting together a team
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago