I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Received some very disappointing news today
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.