Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
taking June’s advice to heart
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately