When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
can’t catch a break
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.