Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.