[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
You Might Also Like
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems