1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.