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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
just having fun
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!