ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts