Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…