The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
For those that worship cheese..
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.