My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Pass gas, not judgment.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing