The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
black phone good
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.