My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Just how popey was the pope today?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
me doing my best
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now