Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
You Might Also Like
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
These 3D printers are insane!
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.